In these 5 + years since Rick died,
I have talked to many widows and widowers We all have our unique “worst times” of the day and night For me, my worst day time is between 3 p.m. - 6 p.m. The whole evening is lonesome But those 3 hours I guess because that was always when I was finishing up my day and getting ready for Rick to be home Oh I know that many say, “After 5+ years you ought to be used to it by now!” Not so After 35 years of looking forward to him coming in the door between 4 - 7 p.m.? 5 years and a few months is not enough time to stop the thoughts and emotions tied into those hours Especially now that I am living alone The worst night time is between 1 a.m. - 4 a.m. Going to sleep isn’t all that difficult, most nights Staying asleep, that’s a different story I have woken up around 1 a.m. for as long as I can remember - - either to check on one of the kids when they were growing up - or to check on Rick after his health turned and we were doing home dialysis - and if insomnia is going to hit me, it will be somewhere in those hours - even as a kid myself, my wake up time was around 4 a.m. because of chores that needed done before school But in all the years of being married to Rick, Whenever I would wake up in those hours, those were the sweetest times with him He would wake up and sleepily ask if I was ok Then he would stretch out his arms and tell me to come lay back down He would take his other arm, and wrap it over me - Then holding me in this soft and gentle bear hug I would lay my face against his hairy chest Feel his beard on the top of my head And without fail, He would give me a forehead kiss and say, “Do you know I love you?” Then he would begin to breathe that deep sleep breathing Sometimes I would go back to sleep Often, I would lay there for a long time, just feeling him holding me Smelling deeply of him Listening to his breathing And I would thank God for allowing me to be his wife So now, even after 5+ years, my mind and heart still wake me up in those hours Only now, I wake up to emptiness and aloneness Every widow or widower has their own times that are the worst These are mine Bittersweet moments frozen in my memories Gentle smiles and soft tears Every day Every night It’s my life
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So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?You can read it here Past Posts
January 2023
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