Worst times

In these 5 + years since Rick died, 
I have talked to many widows and widowers
We all have our unique “worst times” of the day and night
For me, my worst day time is between 3 p.m. - 6 p.m. 
The whole evening is lonesome
But those 3 hours 
I guess because that was always when I was finishing up my day and getting ready for Rick to be home
Oh I know that many say, “After 5+ years you ought to be used to it by now!”
Not so
After 35 years of looking forward to him coming in the door between 4 - 7 p.m.? 
5 years and a few months is not enough time to stop the thoughts and emotions tied into those hours
Especially now that I am living alone
The worst night time is between 1 a.m. - 4 a.m. 
Going to sleep isn’t all that difficult, most nights
Staying asleep, that’s a different story
I have woken up around 1 a.m. for as long as I can remember - 
- either to check on one of the kids when they were growing up
- or to check on Rick after his health turned and we were doing home dialysis
- and if insomnia is going to hit me, it will be somewhere in those hours
- even as a kid myself, my wake up time was around 4 a.m. because of chores that needed done before school
But in all the years of being married to Rick, 
Whenever I would wake up in those hours, those were the sweetest times with him
He would wake up and sleepily ask if I was ok 
Then he would stretch out his arms and tell me to come lay back down
He would take his other arm, and wrap it over me - 
Then holding me in this soft and gentle bear hug
I would lay my face against his hairy chest
Feel his beard on the top of my head
And without fail, 
He would give me a forehead kiss and say, 
“Do you know I love you?” 
Then he would begin to breathe that deep sleep breathing
Sometimes I would go back to sleep
Often, I would lay there for a long time, just feeling him holding me
Smelling deeply of him
Listening to his breathing
And I would thank God for allowing me to be his wife
So now, even after 5+ years, my mind and heart still wake me up in those hours
Only now, I wake up to emptiness and aloneness
Every widow or widower has their own times that are the worst
These are mine
Bittersweet moments frozen in my memories
Gentle smiles and soft tears
Every day
Every night
It’s my life